91抖阴

When I came to seminary one year ago, I was expecting to get all the answers. I was expecting someone to tell me the Truth (with a capital T), and tell me exactly how to go about sharing that Truth with others. Instead, they檙e letting me find it on my own, and in the process, everything is getting more complicated and less sound. I was expecting seminary to clean up the mess in my mind, and in reality, it making it worse. Which, although it feels unfortunate, is actually a blessing擨 think.

I was born a listener and spent my life trying to stop listening and start doing. Madeleine L橢ngle talks of the importance of listening and explains how when children begin to 榞row up� they actually forget how to listen攖o themselves and the world around them. She goes on to say: 淪ometimes when we listen, we are led into places we do not expect, into adventures we do not always understand.� Being open to something we didn檛 expect and don檛 understand? That seems entirely uncomfortable and contrary to most 榓dult� ways of living in this world. Why would we ever do such a thing? Interrupting the flow and rhythm of life? That quite scary for most people, myself included. My mind, like most 榓dult� minds, has gotten pretty good at logically analyzing and thinking through options and situations. But logic does not always get us where we檙e supposed to be.

When my boys were 1, 4, and 7, I enrolled at 91抖阴, which led to this unforeseen opportunity to start writing publicly. Writing publicly攖hat might be the most insane idea of all攖hat anyone might actually want to read whatever it is that I am writing. There are many logical reasons why I probably shouldn檛 be doing this, but here we are�I檓 writing and you檙e reading. I檓 shelling out more money that I don檛 have to earn more education that I might use. It just doesn檛 make sense. But that it right there攑laces we do not expect and adventures we do not understand攖hings that don檛 make sense.

God is calling me to be more than I am攚hether that be a writer or not. He calling me to see through the plastic sham of living within a box I檝e created. Yes, it 榩rotective,� but a better word might be restrictive. I檝e put myself in a box based on what I think I should do (and be); what others think I should do (and be); what I think God thinks I should do (and be). But putting people in boxes does not enable them to give and receive love.

淔ree� and Christian do not really go together for me. (An association I probably should grow out of, maybe right now.) I always thought being a Christian meant being 済ood.� Loving and kind. Quiet and controlled. Which comes from a place of calculation, not a place of freedom. It like putting on a show攖he 済ood little Christian� for all the world to see. This is not being free. Being free would probably lead to some not-so-Christ-like behaviors. Being free would put our very humanity on display; the same humanity we are constantly trying to escape. L橢ngle proposes the idea that Christians are not meant to be less human, but more. I檓 not suggesting we go around blatantly sinning and hurting people, but I am suggesting that calculated Christianity is not working. I don檛 think that putting on a face (for others, for God� for oneself) is what this is all about.

Freedom comes only from surrender. L橢ngle writes: 淚t is not possible to be a Christian while refusing to be vulnerable.� By giving yourself permission to be vulnerable攖o let go, to question and doubt, to see yourself and your shaky faith more clearly攜ou are also encouraging others to do so. It so much easier to buckle down and tell yourself you believe. No one has time or energy to wrestle with these things, but we all need to. I spent most of my life equating vulnerability with weakness, but I檓 learning that strength does not have anything to do with not having feelings and doubts. The white-knuckled grip might appear stronger than the one who let go, but is it really? May we all be a little less calculated and a little more free. Free to question and doubt, and to pursue the faith that we need now.